This might make you mad.

I was just thinking about the kind of person I am. And the kind of person everyone else is. How I interact or communicate with so many categories of people on a daily basis. Family, friends, people with my job, people who live in my apartment complex, friends of friend, our waiter at Aladdin’s (best greek restaurant ever), you, your mom, people at the grocery store… the list goes on.

What makes them who they are? What makes them so different from me?

I started thinking about happiness. What makes someone happier than the next guy or less happy than the guy after him?

I realized what makes us different is the fact that we are all the same. Confused? Let me elaborate.

One thing we all have in common is that each person is given the freedom to choose. Free will. God talks about it. Your teachers talk about it. The government talks about it. Call it whatever you want, but I am going to call it just that: Free will.

This is the part, I believe, that you may not like. Do you hate your life? Are you constantly complaining about how miserable you are? Are you the guy that says “The world is totally against me”. Guess what…Yeah….I’m going to say it. You got yourself there.

You don’t like your job? You applied for it didn’t you?

You hate your marriage? Guess who signed those papers? Guess who said yes?

Your friends betrayed and lied to you? First, you pick the people you surround yourself with. YOU. Second, You have the choice to make them a part of your life or not.

Go ahead. Choose anything. It will ultimately come back to you. You, my friend, are in complete control of your happiness.

Before, I could argue this. I thought to myself, “It’s not true. I’ve been close to people who started out with no chance. Their families were a disaster. Abuse, lies, unfaithfulness, heartbreak…” I figured there was no way these people could be happy with a life that started out so poorly and so far from what is right.

THEN… I met some people who changed my mind. I’ve encountered some people in my life who have been through, literally, living hell. I have heard their stories. I have seen their eyes and watched their tears of forgiveness stream down their face. I’ve watched them change their predicted outcome into something so beautiful and so unique that I can’t even begin to describe it to you. They made the choice, even though they had been handed a “bad deck of cards”.

Now, there is actually research to back this up. I read in one of my classes this semester about a study that was done about 30 years ago. They chose one hundred pregnant women and in the course of those three decades they watched as the child grew and developed. The focus of the study was really about what each child was faced with and how they reacted to it. Some of these families were poor, broken, and unprepared. Others were wealthy, clean-cut, and in a good place to bring life into the world. The children aged and the researchers checked in and interviewed the families every few years. They had a predicted outcome for these children based on their family make-up.  At the end of the study, they focused on a handful of the children from the “vulnerable” group. These children were usually from a single parent home, there was alcohol and abuse, and a lack of financial support. Several, more than expected, had succeeded beyond the second group (the children who were in a more well-rounded family environment). They were happy, productive, and emotional stable individuals. They beat the odds. The study said that these individuals, despite their home life, had made better choices as they aged. They chose the right peer group, they chose the right spouse, they chose the right profession, and they had a solid support group in all circumstances.

You make life what it is, my friend. Good or bad. Please, if I may be so bold, stop blaming everyone and everything else for your misery. You have free will. You made these choices. You. Don’t like it? Change it. You can’t change other people, but you can change you. You can’t change your family, but you can change how you deal with them. You can’t change the trials and tribulations of life. You can’t change the unforeseen. “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

And for what it’s worth, I choose to surround myself with these kind of people.

We’ve been given one life. Make it worth living.

May this post find you well.

New York has had some crazy weather these last few weeks.

It was 83 degrees on Friday of last week. Monday it was 33 degrees and snowing. Today it’s 55 degrees and raining. I’ve given up trying to figure out the night before what to wear to work. I’ve been wearing boots in the morning, flip flops in the afternoon, and sneakers in the evening when I’m headed home. This requires me to bring all three types of shoes. I look like I’m staying overnight multiple nights…which sometimes…it feels like I do.

Over the last month I’ve done several things I’m excited about and proud of:

• Started to research and educate myself on self-sufficient living and healthy eating
• Starting swimming and running five times a week
• Lost four pounds (RIGHT ON)
• Got a 90% on my final term paper
• Finished my Spring term at Empire State (minus one more paper that is almost completed)
• Started pleasure reading again (with the amount of homework I had been doing it was hard to just sit down and read a book just for me. I’ve already finished one in less than a week.)
• Nate and I have really started to focus and pray on “What’s next” for us.

BUSY right?

I had an out of body experience this morning. I stopped at Starbucks on my way to work. It was about 8:07 am. I walked in and waited in line with the business men and corporate women. Barbie Dolls and CEO’s. High Heels and Ties. Bright red lipstick and Bad cologne. I just stood there. Insanely out of place. Everyone was buying their “Venti skinny low fat milk coffee with splenda”. The starbucks employees were talking up every person who looked like they had money to tip. They were polite but not as talkative when I stepped up to order my “tall cinnamon dolce latte with no whip cream”. I waited in the next line where I picked up my drink and left. I don’t think there is anything wrong with Starbucks. I enjoy my drink once, sometimes even twice a week. I give them my business because I enjoy what they have to offer me.

I started thinking about instant gratification. I abuse that just as much as the next guy. But what if…what if everything you wanted wasn’t readily available to you every second of the day. “I want a frosty” -Wendy’s drive thru “I want a new t.v. ” -best buy shipping in 24 hours “I want a cinnamon dolce latte with no whip” -Starbucks at every corner “I want to watch a movie” -Netflix, Itunes, Iphone etc etc etc. “I want to be skinny”- Diet pills and bad food that makes you sick but makes you skinny “faster”

I started thinking about quality vs. quantity. I started thinking about routine. I started thinking about how most people do this out of habit. How society has fallen into a terrible trap that will be really hard to get out of… if they ever decide to get out. I saw Jersey Boys this weekend with my Mom and sisters. I really enjoyed it. Musicals are so much fun. And so is my family…usually My mom made a comment to me about the people there. She pulled a “when I was younger” card, but I thought it was really interesting. She said “These things use to be a big deal. People would dress up all fancy and make a night of it.” I saw a girl wearing black yoga pants with leopard print and jewels on the side. She had a hoodie to match. And she didn’t really seem…out of place. Some women was wearing scrub pants. Really? Maybe she was having a bad day and just wanted to be comfy…I don’t know.

I guess I am saying all of this because I kind of want out. How? I don’t know. Where? Someplace. When? Sooner rather than later. I’m not a hippy. I’m not crazy. I think I’m just realizing how instant gratification and quantity does not mean happiness. It turns people in to beggars. It makes them want more all the time and want it right now. I want simplicity. I want to work hard for something and reap the benefits of that. To quote Mumford- “it will steal your innocence, But it will not steal your substance” I’m starting to view things from a different angle. Less naive. It can take away my innocence, but it won’t take my substance.

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this.
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand.

T.G.I.F

Today feels like Friday. Have you ever wondered what makes Friday so great? All my days are pretty much the same. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are almost identical. So why don’t I enjoy “work Wednesdays” the way I enjoy “work Fridays”?

Because:

Fridays are Date Nights with my husband.

Fridays mean I get to sleep in the next morning.

Fridays are two days off of work.

Fridays turn in to the weekend which means I can get my wifely duties done, which I absolutely love doing. Cleaning, organizing, grocery shopping, laundry. I’m not lying. I love doing these things. I feel productive.

Fridays mean freedom.

Nate and I were talking last night about what I want to do when I’m done nannying. Obviously I’m going to continue to pursue my degree in Family and Marriage therapy, but I mean while I’m getting my masters. I thought about what life would be like if I didn’t have to work ten and a half hours a day. I thought about what it would be like to not work at all. I have had a full time job since I was 18 years old. That doesn’t count the two years before I was 18 when I worked a part time job. The thought seems unrealistic. But maybe it’s not?

We can dream can’t we?

I guess this post doesn’t really have much of a purpose. Maybe it’s to challenge you to look in to your own life and ask yourself “Is this really what I’m suppose to be doing? Is this what I want to be doing?”

Maybe we should make everyday a Friday.

Two In A Row.

I don’t think in the short history of my “blogging” I have ever posted two consecutive days. Progress? I think so. I’m starting to enjoy this so much I’m using as a reward… “If I just do 30 minutes of homework, than I can post a blog.” “I just need to go for a quick run and when I come back, I can type up some thoughts.”

You’ll be glad to know I have completed both these things this evening.

I have also showered, packed lunches for tomorrow, taken the dog out…TWICE, and now I’m sitting at my desk in our office/ second bedroom…See?

Woof.

Now on to what I’ve been wanting to write: These past two days have been an eye opener. Something changed. I had…as some may call it… a revelation. I don’t believe at all that it was done by my own doing. I knocked and the door was opened. And He answered.  Nate and I have been trying to make some decisions over the last few months about life and our future. We felt torn with a few of these things. We usually ended up arguing. It’s not that we couldn’t agree with each other, we just kept factoring in what we thought everyone else would want too. (RED FLAG) We prayed and waited and waited and prayed. I got annoyed. Prayed some more. Got bored. Stopped praying. Realized I’d stop praying. Got mad at myself. Got over it. Prayed some more.

This weekend we made some big decisions. For us. For our future. For our little family. We feel it is right. We know it is right.

Now comes the guilt, the frustration, and the manipulation. I blogged about this yesterday. I don’t mean to be repetitive… but I have been mulling this over in my brain the last 24 hours. I feel like, for some reason, everything is starting to make sense. Before, I didn’t know why what was said and how things were done just felt… wrong. I didn’t understand why I felt so much hurt from all of this. How everything was now an obligation. A duty. I wasn’t passionate about it anymore. After yesterday, I was finally able to make the connection why. And oh my word… what a relief. It’s freeing. It doesn’t change all the wrong doing that’s being done. It doesn’t change how other people will react. It doesn’t mean everyone will see it how we do. It just means one thing: Peace. It means we can walk away knowing we’ve done right by us and by God. We know now what NOT to do. We have only learned from this. And I am grateful. With that being said. I will not be hurt by it or by the guilt anymore. I will not be compared, shut down, overlooked, or bargained with every again. And I won’t have to watch it happen to anyone else there either. This is not how God intended it to be at all. Ever. The sad part is… it will probably still go on.

I will leave this place knowing I did what was asked of me in that time and now I’m going to be used somewhere else.

If you get a chance, check out the blog link from Donald Miller on my post below. I’m printing it out and taping it on my wall right now. You can too if you want.

WARNING: This thought has potential to change …everything.

Guilt: punishing yourself before God doesn’t- Alan Cohen

I should be doing homework. I can’t focus. I’m too distracted by my most recent thought.

Have you ever known someone who’s entire life goal is to make you feel guilty in order to get the outcome they want? I’ve done this before. Mostly to my sisters when we were growing up. I wish I hadn’t; but I don’t feel guilty for it.  Guilt is a wasted emotion. It didn’t exist before sin entered the world. Guilt is unproductive. It is rust. It eats away at your soul. It makes good men useless and bad men more evil.

Donald Miller wrote a blog last April that talked about two words that kill passion: Ought to.

“I wonder if we stopped the “ought to” aspects of loving people and got more in touch with the kinds of service that come out of our skill sets and passions we wouldn’t be more effective…If you set most people free from all guilt and shame, they’d likely live normal lives and still be altruistic. I really believe most people are pretty good at moderation and don’t need a guilt trip to govern themselves.”

When guilt and manipulation are removed what happens?

Passion Vs. Guilt.

The guilt I’m talking about is different than the guilt a child feels when they steal a cookie from the pantry when you’re not looking. Or when the dog runs and hides when you walk in the door because she chewed on your husband’s favorite slippers from L.L bean.

This kind of guilt is life ruining. It is passion committing suicide.

If you get a chance to read this blog link, please do. There is something amazing in this concept. It has potential to change the world. Maybe it just needs you to read it…

http://donmilleris.com/2011/04/20/moving-from-ought-to-to-want-to/

Tongues and Stripes.

This morning I dressed Sir Cole William in a new shirt his mom got him. I didn’t realized until we took this picture that we kind of match. I wish my shirt had a cool lightening bolt on it like his. His new thing is to copy everything I do. This includes facial expressions, as you can see. We have fun now and again.

Well, here we are. It’s almost March. Spring is coming. My nanny family is having their baby in May. One of my best friends and her husband (who is also one of mine and my husband’s best friends) are moving back to New York from Georgia! School is half way over…only 3 more months of this term. I plan on working straight through the summer. I’m coming bachelor’s degree.

As of late, there have been two things I don’t think I could of lived without: My husband & Mumford and Sons.

I don’t want to be one of those wives who goes on and on about how “great and wonderful and perfect and special and romantic” their husbands are. I think it’s hard for people to believe stuff like that when they read it coming from someone who is in their first year of marriage. I like to call it the “newlywed goggles”. All that being said, (and you can chose to believe me or not) my husband is precious. He is classy. He is insanely patient. He is God-fearing and over-whelmingly loving. He is unforgettably attractive. He challenges me and tells me it’s okay that I’m bossy and annoying. He allows me to express my emotions, even when I’m overly emotion. Everyday feels like a first date. He is entertaining and funny. And he is not for sale.

Gag Ew Gross Hiss Blah. You’ll be fine. I think it’s sad so many people don’t feel this way about their spouse.

As for Mumford & Sons; You may have heard their twangy banjo playing and soft soulful lead singer bless you through your radio speakers. Their lyrics have potential to change your life. I know Mister Matthew Curcio has had the privilege of seeing them play live. That lucky man has been a fan of theirs for some time now. I credit him and my husband for introducing them to me. With that being said, give them $9.99 and buy their Sign No More album on Itunes. You won’t regret it.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

 ”That’s the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up.”

Which body is the one for me?

I’m going to jump right to what’s been consuming my thoughts the last 2 weeks.

Do you go to church? Please don’t mistake this question for judgement. I’m only curious. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out the purpose of church. I’ve been trying to understand where it is exactly in the bible it states the “rules” that it seems so many churches follow. I feel lately the church is missing something key. Something so important I can’t believe a church could function properly without it. HEART.

Maybe the “heart” has been on my mind lately with valentines day coming up. All the decorations in stores, the commercials for hallmark cards on t.v., the kay’s jewelry adds for a red diamond heart necklace we’ve been getting in the mail. I find valentine’s day to be insanely tacky. But I don’t hate it. My husband and I have a valentines day tradition. Mcdonalds drive-thru. Ahhhh yeahhh. Because of poor planning on both our parts that’s where we ended up on our first valentines date and that’s where we have gone ever since.

Back to the point.

Lets compare please. Valentine’s day is one day out of the year we chose to celebrate love. Society takes ONE day out of the year to spend money, eat food, and have special sex. Society recognizes love deserves a holiday. Maybe it’s commercialized. Maybe it’s a really dumb way to make money. Maybe you hate love. That’s cool. But what about it do we seem to be drawn to? Why does it not die out year after year? Society, as a whole, knows love deserves the attention.

The church. The church is suppose to recognize love above all else. It is the BODY of Christ. We are it’s members. But who is the heart? Where is the heart? Sometimes I feel like half of the church is playing the brain (logic, rules, regulations) and the other half is playing the hand that is reaching out to receive whatever it is you may have to offer (money, spiritual gifts, service).

Fergie put it well when she said “Where is the love?”.  She may not of been talking about the church. But I am. No one man can be the heart alone in the church’s body. The heart is the most important member and no matter what other body part you play, the heart is one part every member of the church should know how to play. Learn it. Engross yourself in it. When this is done…everything else falls into place.

I feel like the church has had a serious heart attack.

1 Corinthians 13:13

Now these three things remain; faith, hope, and love-But the greatest of these is love.

Colossians 3:14-16
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

Side note: For all you readers out there- Want to be updated about my blog as soon as I post? Put your e-mail address in “Follow my blog” to the left of this page and receive my posts via e-mail. Neat right?

I don’t like to over think, I just like to think things over.

It is Friday the 13th. The only thing scary about today are the roads.

It took me an extra 15 minutes to get to work this morning. That doesn’t include the 10 minutes it took to scrape off my car. January is here and I have a feeling it’s going to stay.

Whenever it gets cold and snowy out like this my senses get super… sensitive. I suddenly find revelation in the small details of things.

Such as:

This morning I realized there was a small cigarette burn in the left upper panel on the fabric by the drivers side door in my car. I discovered it when I was running my hand across the rough fabric that lines the whole ceiling of my car. Ever time I do this my hands get all clammy. I don’t really like how it feels. But I probably do this every single time I am in the car.  Today I noticed something new.  I have had my car for almost 2 years now.

When I walked into the house where I work this morning it smelled like blueberries and play-doh. I usually only notice the smell when the kids have had pancakes or something that has syrup all over it. (I detest the smell of syrup thanks to my mother who would always point out how awful it smelled when we were younger.  She said it reminded her of all the handicap kids she use to work with that came into school smelling like syrup.)

Even though my water was bottled this morning, it didn’t taste filtered. It tasted like water fountain or tap water. Although some think water doesn’t have a taste, I beg to differ. Water has a very distinct taste and if you don’t agree it’s probably because you don’t drink enough. (HEALTH FACT: Although it varies by your weight, it is said that you need AT LEAST 8 fl. oz. per day. Do YOU  drink enough water?)

Right now I am listening to the Imogen Heap pandora station. Little Cole William is smacking his cup against the counter. The wind is is blowing the back of the house which makes a rattling and whistling noise. The fridge is “processing” ice in the ice machine, it makes a rather robotic purr. The kittens are fighting in the playroom, hissing and meowing and knocking stuff over. It only bothers me because I know I’ll have to pick up all the puzzle pieces they managed to spread across the hard wood floor.

I guess that leaves only one sense left. Sight. Oh, the things I see.

Last night my friend sent me a picture of her beautiful new baby girl.

When I first get to work both kids always stop whatever they’re doing and acknowledge me. Sometimes it’s a “hi!” or a hug or kiss or smile. Other times it’s something that has already happened previous to my arrival and they’re grumpy and crying to me about it. The best days are usually Monday mornings when I’ve been gone all weekend and theres so much to tell. Their parents always say Nora (the 3 year old) always asks when I’m coming back. It’s nice to see appreciation in both the kids and the parents eyes.

This morning at 7am the roads were barely visible. The wind was blowing across the fields that line the thru-way. I could see traffic head lights heading in the opposite direction. Green exit signs turned into snow covered sheets of metal. Isn’t it ironic that sometimes even not being able to see is such an amazing sight?

Point being:

Find revelation in the small. Discover new things through your senses. And please, drink more water.

 

I rarely use Wikipedia.

Have you ever thought about all the different emotions you feel throughout the day?

Joy.

Fear.

Anger.

Annoyance.

Frustration.

Peace.

Sadness.

Disappointment.

And so on….

We have this book on our coffee table called “if”. It is suppose to be a conversation starter and a way to analyze yourself and your thoughts. It asks questions like “If you could rid the earth of one thing what would it be?” and “Whats the one thing that frightens you most about growing old?” I know. Sometimes you don’t like the questions. Sometimes you don’t like your answer.

One question I was thinking about that SHOULD be in there is ” if you could eliminate yourself from feeling ONE emotion what would it be?”

My answer? Disappointment. What good is it really? I have felt disappointment so much in my little life span. Disappointment in myself, in other people, in circumstances, in my job, in my church, in the smallest of things, in the largest of things. I could go on for days…

It feels like the root of all of this disappointment is either myself or other people. Human beings.

Do you think some people are more prone to feel this emotion more than others? I do. I know some people who rarely feel it. I know people who feel it about as much as I do. Do you think my feeling this emotion has to do with the fact that i constantly expect more from others, my self, my circumstances then they or I can realistically deliver? Or is it because I know we were all made to be so much more than we have been or are being?

Wikipedia defines disappointment as the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest…a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself  similar to regret but that regret focuses on the personal choices that contributed to the poor outcome.

My husband always has hope even when he feels the outrageous amount of disappointment that comes with choosing to live this life. This is only one reason why I love him.

My goal is to strive to feel this hope even when the disappointment in my life feels overwhelming. Even when it chooses to attack at the most inconvenient of times. Even though I know I will probably feel it again and again since we live in such an imperfect world.

I will do my very best to chose hope.

Hope: the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. The feeling that what is wanted CAN BE HAD. It is feeling that what is desired can happen.

Hope.